I can't even pick just one favorite quote. Highlights:
"As I remember, we survived our school days with a box of industrial tissues, the likes of sandpaper, and a water fountain that tasted like metal."
"For some reason, each year the schools get amnesia and seem to have no record of you and your children. I don’t understand how in this day and age of data they can’t keep you on file." <THIS ONE KEEEEEELLS ME
The entire OPEN HOUSE paragraph.
"December? I’ll move the sh*t out of that Christmas elf and sprinkle magic in my sleep. But September? You, I dread."